6 Ways to Ruin Your Children | Parenting | Moms

"6 Ways to Ruin Your Children | Parenting | Moms"

I was reading the above article and truly felt like it is a good representation of the way my husband and I parent.  I know I have said this before, and by no shape or form am I a perfect parent, but my two-year old is seriously very well behaved.  I always hear remarks from passers-by or friends who comment on how shocked they are at how well-mannered she is for a 26 month-old.

She has never struck, pushed, bullied or shown any aggression to any other child or her sibling, always remembers her pleases and thank yous, and says "may I..." whenever she wants something. She also understands that no means no and Mommy's and Daddy's rules are the law. She doesn't throw tantrums and very rarely protests by raising her hand at me, though this hand is usually held in mid-air like  a threat and never comes down again. Yes, she of course does cry if she really wants something but we don't give in because of her tears. We hold firm and give her a cuddle instead, assuring her that it's ok to cry when Mommy says no. But Mommy stills says no.

Boundaries are really important. We have always stayed true to this value in parenting.  It is important for children to understand that they do not have free reign over the world and over their homes and parents.  With limitations comes a greater value placed on things and privileges that are afforded to the child.  I literally hear this all the time from my daughter.  For example, when she plays with play-dough, I tell her the rules beforehand: she can pick just two colors and only four shape cutters to play with. She can exchange these shapes for other ones if she wants. There really is no rhyme or reason for this rule, other than to teach her restraint and value. And you should hear the gratitude she shows me, "why thank you so much Mommy!" She knows that playing with the dough is not a right but a privilege - just like most every other recreational activity in her life. Yes, you may judge me as being unnecessarily harsh on the poor child but the proof is in the pudding. Honestly, little things like this truly do teach her to value what is given to her and to not negotiate with the law-maker (me) for more.  Of course, she often asks but she really does accept it if my answer if no.  No tantrums thrown, just acceptance and gratitude.

So what are our absolute rules in parenting? The following would be a good summary:

Love

It is so, so important to shower your child with love. Tell them, show them, reinforce it always but not in material ways.  Constantly praise them for being clever or kind.  Tell them how much they mean to you and that they are important.  Encourage them to be good and them hug and kiss them when they are.  This builds self-confidence and encourages good behaviour.  Even if they behave badly, it is important to tell them you love them when you correct that bad behaviour.  If Mini-V is ever reprimanded for something or given a time-out (a rarity), I always tell her I love her but that her behaviour was not acceptable. I tell her what she did wrong and tell her that even though she is in trouble, I still love her.

Consistency

There should always be consistent parenting in the household and amongst caregivers of the child.  From my observations, my friends who have more trouble with their children have inconsistent administrations of discipline amongst the caregivers, usually from a grandparent caregiver or the other parent.  By no means am I stating that consistent parenting only occurs if you and and the other parent are primary caregivers, or if the mother is a stay-at-home mother but I would state that definitely if there is a third-party caregiver, that person needs to completely accept your methods of parenting and not deviate from it.  There also needs to be a homogenous system of discipline that the child can easily expect from every adult taking care of him or her.  Children are not good at guess work, they function better when the unpredictable is removed from the equation.  They need to know what will always be the reaction to their behaviours, and not that Mom or Dad will react differently in certain circumstances.  This will also eliminate those dreaded situations where one parent/caregiver is favored or leveraged against the other. I cannot emphasize how important consistency is. The rules should not change depending on who the caregiver is.

"Proper" Discipline

No child should escape the wrath of the disciplinarian. Discipline is so crucial in good and successful parenting.  I do not condone spanking but I definitely think children should be disciplined through other methods such as time-outs, punishments and reprimands.  The reason I say "proper" discipline is because time and again I have spoken to a parent who says "I try to discipline him/her but the behaviour still continues". This is where it is up to the parent, not the child to examine what he or she is not doing right. This is not the child's fault, this is an error in parenting.  

• I would say "proper" discipline includes - 
• A. consistency (see no. 2); 
• B. clearly and simply explaining to the child on his or her level of understanding what they did wrong, with eye contact; and 
• C. following through with an appropriate repercussion (ie. time out, taking something away, leaving the park/shops/mall etc). I have had my child hit by other kids before and I am always surprised with the lack of proper discipline, and then the parent wonders why it occurs time and time again.  Usually, they don't explain to the child what they did wrong and there are no repercussions.  This is where saying "no hitting" simply is not enough.  And, raising your voice does not suddenly make your discipline methods suddenly have more merit or be more effective.

Encouragement

We should always encourage and praise children for exhibiting good behaviour. Take notice of when your child is kind or well behaved, says their pleases and thank yous and then verbally acknowledge it.  Tell them you are proud of them and encourage them to repeat it in the future.  Human nature at any age is to respond positively to praise and encouragement.


This is really it in a nutshell. It isn't rocket science, just a few simple ways to encourage children to behave well. The best advice that I ever heard was this: Never let the child be the boss of you, you are the parent, not the child.