10 Things: Raising a Socially Conscious and Capable Daughter

1. Girls can do anything boys can do. 

Don't raise your daughter to think she can't be anything and do anything at all in this lifetime. Of course, there will always be some gendered differences that are undeniable (how realistic is it that your daughter will be the national spokesperson for testicular cancer?) but your daughter should never view her gender as a setback in life. Your daughter should be exposed to lots of sports and activities so she has the opportunity to realize her potential both intellectually and physically.

2. Don't force your daughter to wear pink.  

We live in a completely gendered society and it often upsets me when you see the big divide in children's stores between girls' and boys' clothing.  When I first found out I was pregnant, we decided at first to not know the baby's sex. Well, let me tell you how difficult, if not nearly impossible, it is to buy gender neutral clothing.  The girls' section is filled with peter pan collars, ruffled sleeves and little pink polka dots and bows. Not to mention everything is adorned with "Daddy's Princess", and yet the boys' section is a walking advertisement for anything with wheels - tractors, cars, firetrucks.  

Well, my now toddler daughter loves cars, digging in the dirt, rocks and playing with boys. Sure she loves to wear dresses and rummage through Mommy's makeup drawer but we must remember that children are completely uninfluenced in the beginning by society's attempts to mold their likes and dislikes according to their genders. Why should we tell them they should be or what they should like? Well, shouldn't we just let them be who they want to be? Don't force your daughter to wear pink ruffles if she likes blue.  Mini-V loves pirates so I recently purchased Carter's Pirate Pajamas (for boys).  My husband thought I was nuts at the time but I didn't care especially at that moment when my daughter's face lit up as she saw her new PJs.

3. Don't treat your daughter like a princess, and she won't act like one

I guess this follows with the above point. Every time I see a mother of a little girl treat her like a princess, not only do I roll my eyes but, like some amazing seer, I have this foresight of what's to come for that mother... probably a spoilt little girl. Look, I get it.  Girls love all the fairytales with princesses and they love Disney and castles and make-believe but where do you draw the line between allowing them to enjoy princesses and then them actually thinking they are one?

Let's face it, in real life Princesses don't work, they order people around like servants, they are high maintenance and they use tax payer's money to promote their own agendas. Do we really want our daughters to behave like this when they grow up? Do we want them to think it is OK to be high maintenance and to squander other people's hard earned money away for their own whims and fancy? I certainly have never ever done anything in a "princess" theme for my daughters, nor do I intend to ever.  This is an unrealistic fantasy and I would much rather encourage my daughter to not be high maintenance and be a real person - someone who works hard, appreciates the substance of things and doesn't get caught up in having the need to be "taken care of".

So how do we strike this balance? We should be encouraging our girls to take pride in their appearance and carry herself with poise like a little lady but they still need to understand they are not above other people (like princesses), there is no sense of entitlement of getting what you want just because you happen to be a cute girl. In my household, there will never be any pedicures or manicures for my underage children, there will be no handbags (what could they possibly have to carry?) and there will be no spa treatments.  If you treat you baby like a princess, what happens? You have a 14 year-old brat that still behaves like a princess. Sorry if this is harsh, just stating facts.

4. Encourage your daughter to have friends from all walks

As children, we know not about differences, there is a greater level of acceptance and a more tolerant playing field of interaction. Abled children play with handicapped ones, children of different races play together, they don't know if their best friend has two Mommies or no Mommy at all. Frankly, they don't care.  They just want to know if you will play with them. Social tolerance is learned in the household so set a good example.  Show your daughters (and your sons) it's OK to play with boys and girls and everyone in between.  Let them play freely and don't let on about your own prejudices.  They don't even understand that boys are different to themselves.  I know this because last week, my daughter said to me "Mommy, you are a good boy".  There is definite confusion there and that is OK. That is what is pure about children. There is plenty of time to educate your daughters about socially acceptable practices, like not sleeping over at a boy's house, but let that time come later.

5. Girls will fall and bruise too. It's OK

Everyone says "most boys will break a bone as a child" and while this probably holds true, it is also OK for girls to climb, jump, bump and fall. My older daughter is a total tomboy, as I have already mentioned and while we have been lucky enough to be spared so far with an emergency room visit, she has taken several hard knocks to the head, and elsewhere.  My outlook is that, as long as she is lucid, behaviorally cognitive  and not gushing out with blood, chances are she is OK. Sure I have made a few precautionary phone calls to the pediatrician to make sure - you can never be too sure - but remember, most children who are not seriously hurt from a fall will cry well after they fall because they were (a) scared or (b) lapping up the sympathy.  Of course give your daughter a cuddle and give her that sympathy and love.
This is really important for your child's emotional development BUT try not to overdo it just because she is a girl.

Let your daughter be tough and shake it off, just like your sons. Don't shout "ooooh myyyy god" if she skids on the grass a little harder than usual. Just walk over calmly, ask is she is hurting, wipe the tears and tell her she is OK and you love her. They feed off your emotions and believe me, I have plenty of friends with kids who cry cry cry over nothing but any 3rd party can tell you it's because the parent overreacts and treats the child like he or she is dying.  Don't do this. Don't scare your child.  Let them cry and tell you if they are hurt - not the other way around.

6. Girls want to be firefighters too

Let your daughters play with gender neutral toys and encourage her to dream and be anything she wants to be.  We are big advocates of this in our household.  When you break it down, a child's developmental milestones are pretty basic - and un-gendered. They have to develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. That's really it.  Things like gross motor skills can be worked on through many means so let your daughters play with gender neutral toys.  Build your toy collection so that anyone walking in would be unsure if you had a daughter or a son.  This means that not only should your daughter be able to enjoy cars and trucks and legos but your sons should feel free to develop their imaginative play through things like toy kitchens and dress-ups too.  Mini-V really enjoys her Thomas the tank engine train and her firefighter hat and of course, surprisingly, she still gravitates to the tea set and the dolls (isn't gender and sexuality the darndest thing? Must be innate!) but the pint is we would never keep her from playing with boy-oriented toys. In fact I have ordered plenty of "boy Happy Meals" at McDonalds just for varied toy selection!

7. Don't paint your little daughter's fingernails.

It looks silly. See No. 3.

8. Try to use varied superlatives

Please don't always tell your daughter she is the most beautiful, even if this is true. Our ultimate goal is to encourage our daughters to be strong, capable young ladies with good self-esteem.  Try to use encouraging words like "clever", "smart" and "happy".  While, yes, your daughter is undoubtedly very pretty, focusing on this sort of praise does not let her also realize that there is much more substance to
her.

Of course, you can keep complimenting your daughter on her looks but remember to compliment her other characteristics too. Tell your daughter how you think she is extremely imaginative or confident. Also applaud her abilities and accomplishments, like spelling, drawing, being a good friend or helping her little brother, too. These words and praises actually mean something and will show your daughter there is much value in such traits. It will encourage her to be authentic and proud of who she is, regardless of how she looks.

9. Educate your daughter about sexuality and sex

Our society is highly sexualized and we should encourage our children - both boys and girls - to have a good, intelligent grasp of sexuality and sex.  In this day and age, I don't even think my point needs further explanation other than don't delay this too long. If you daughter is mature enough to handle this, then she is mature enough for the evolution of your parenting role. Wouldn't you want your daughters to hear the important stuff from you anyway? Talk about these topics openly and honestly. You don't need to sit and divulge everything that surpasses their maturity or interest level but certainly open up a frank discussion so at least your daughter knows you are open to talking about these topics if and when she is ready.

10. Remember to still encourage your daughter to be feminine and soft.

I know this sounds totally archaic and almost completely contradictory to most of what I have said but I really do believe there is a certain innate soft quality about females and this should not be stifled nor discouraged. Yes, your daughter can be strong and capable but she can also be feminine and gentle. This is not to say that you should direct your daughter either way. I mean, really, you just want them to be themselves so, having said that, we should not try to influence our daughters to not be soft (sorry, double negative!) just because we associate this with something negative like being weak.  Softness does not amount to weakness. There is nothing weak about being feminine, in fact this can be a great asset.  There is something to be said about great females in this world who are (or were) extremely nurturing and gentle.... think Oprah Winfrey, Mother Theresa or Princess Diana.  You can achieve greatness even if you are feminine.  But as I have said before, neither femininity nor strength should be mutually exclusive or for the sake of the other. We are women, can't we have it all?